A satirical letter to POTUS

Dear Worst Gay President,

Mr. Obama, I’ve a bone to pick with you. Some misguided people called you our first gay president, and as someone authorized to speak on this matter I’d like to make a rebuttal. I mean, everyone knows that Abraham Lincoln was our first gay president and he was appropriately closeted--a trait I admire in a politician. Here is why I think you’re the worst gay president ever.

Let me start with this whole don’t ask don’t tell nonsense: I bet you thought you were doing us a favor making it okay to serve openly. I think it was incredibly inconsiderate to people like me that don’t want to serve and had a convenient blanket to hide under. What if the draft were reinstated? I can’t pull the gay card anymore and I’ll be forced to reach into my bag of excuses for why I can’t serve the country (I don’t know, traffic).

Then there’s this whole gays getting married topic, don’t get me started. I can’t believe, in the eleventh hour, that you are finally in support of gays getting married. Like I want that kind of pressure. Clearly, my people just want to be left alone and fabulous, vacantly roaming the streets of singledom, loose like a balloon full of helium and promiscuity. I mean could you imagine, now I have the same pressure to get married and start a life with someone that every other American has. Who wants that? Not I, said the barfly.

I’d also like to talk about the crippling effect your healthcare plan has on my community. Life was so much easier for people living with HIV when they couldn’t get insurance. I mean why would anyone want to go to a doctor and pay something like twenty dollars for co-pay to get an STD screening when he could go to a crowded and uncomfortable free clinic? And now, instead of relying on government assistance to get medications for HIV, people will have insurance that actually covers medications. We’ve got enough on our plates (parties, charity events, sales at Nordstrom) and you want us to have to worry about waiting in line at the pharmacy to pick up medications (not to mention another nominal co-pay)?

You also had the nerve to hire some of the most unattractive staff members to help you run the country. I mean geez, you could have at least told Hillary to put on some blush or something. You let her travel around the world making our country look good and the irony of how she looks is not lost on me. Obviously having an attractive team is far more important than having a capable team. Don’t you understand that you need to look good to get anyone to listen to you?

Let me recap: you’re in support of gays dying for the country, you’re in support of us stressing out about settling down, you want us to take responsibility for our own health and you clearly put intellect ahead of appearance. It’s like you want the gay community to feel like everyone else rather than feeling like a special minority with less rights and more fashion sense. I think it’s time your presidency go back in the closet.

Signed,

the gays