A case for the dirty chai

As one of my 25 regular readers, you may have noticed I tend to steer clear of politics in my wildly unpopular blog. Why? Politics are for people who like to change things. I am not so progressive. I like to sit quietly in a corner watching calamity and reporting back about my findings. I'm an observer and believe faithfully that whether I participate or not the pendulum will always swing one way and back the other eventually and accelerating the pace of one change simply accelerates another. I limit my participation to voting when it doesn't interfere with something more important like shopping or watching Grey's Anatomy. But in conversation, well, I've learned from experience that my participation in political conversations is often imprudent and recklessly inflammatory.

Sample:

Him: "I think the real problem with unions is that they prevent progress and reform under the guise of doing just those things."

Me: "I feel the same way about Spanx."

I have my own version of political dialogue:

Me: "How much is this dinosaur sweater?"

Barney's salesperson: "Nine hundred dollars."

Me: "I blame sweaters like this for the recession."

Barney's salesperson: "It's made with camel hair."

Me: "I'll take it."

Truth be told, I'm more concerned with the rising cost of my daily Starbucks, also known as my stimulus package. Let us examine this dire issue. Under our current administration the price of a double grande nonfat no water dirty chai---

Double Grande Nonfat No Water Dirty Chai (n.): 

A medium sized chai tea latte brewed with no water and steamed with skim milk. The "double" and "dirty" denotes that this drink should also include two shots of espresso.

--is $5.70. Let us examine the financial burden that two of these drinks a day will put on a young mover and shaker such as myself. This cost comes to $39.90 a week, roughly 40 buckos. This could buy me a cute hat from Goorin bros.. Monthly that's $160, which is a pair of wingtip brogues from Allsaints. Yearly this cost rises to $1920 which could have been my new Louis Vuitton luggage. Now, here is where this math gets really troubling to matters of my wardrobe: in ten years that comes to nearly $20,000, which is the Burberry shopping spree of my dreams, or I suppose the down payment for a condo. This conclusion leads me to an even more troubling revelation: my ten year high school reunion is only two years and some change away. So, of course the thing to stress about in the next two years is that if by my ten year reunion I don't own a home, I can honestly say its because I drank too much Starbucks.

And I know this talk of home ownership may sound out of character but truth be told there is a part of me that wants to own something other than what's in my closet. Maybe it kicks in at the age of 25. And of all my goals in life--book deal, syndicated column, reality show, studded Louboutin loafers--owning a house is easily the most attainable.

So, I've decided to address my growing financial concerns from the perspective of a politician. But, the real question about my chai conundrum is whether the resolution can be best addressed from a liberal or conservative point of view.

Issue: Price of chai increasing the deficit of new shoes

1. Foreign policy

Response from the left: Respond by creating "alliances" with baristas in Starbucks all over the city to increase the number of free drinks given.

Response from the right: Declare war on the countries producing chai tea for being undemocratic and launch a military regime to invade and claim all of the chai for myself, then turn around and sell the chai at a profit.

2. Economy

Left: Appoint a Chai Czar to oversee all chai requisition. This czar, presumably my mother, must approve all spending via text messages in conversations that look like this: "Czar mother, should I buy a chai for my walk to work?" "No."

Right: Deregulate chai spending further, and simply cut funding in other useless areas like food and soap to make up for the added cost.

3. Environment

Left: Convert unused rooftops in the city to chai gardens for the growing of ingredients to make chai, thereby increasing the availability and lowering the cost.

Right: Convert parks and other boring useless grassy places into massive coffee shops thereby increasing competition in a healthy capitalist way and forcing competitors to duel for lowest chai prices. 

4. Public Programs

Left: Start a non-profit, partially government-funded organization to reach out to lesser caffeinated communities and provide chai for needy citizens at a discounted rate.

Right: Offer government vouchers for chai that can be used at select coffee shops and give tax breaks to the coffee shops that accept the vouchers.

I think I may be leaning left, if only to be able to use the term Czar mother on a regular basis.