Encyclopedia of undatable men, updated

I've been struggling with a recurring theme in my first dates. Not the paying thing, I'm over that (although I stand by my assertion that no decent man that was interested in me asked to split the bill on a first date). It would seem that I can no longer attract the type of men that I used to. There was a very specific personality, above all, that I looked for. For that reason I dated a really wide range of men. They all were different ages, looked different, had very different careers, lived in different neighborhoods, but the thing they all had in common was a specific personality. They were all warm caring nurturing types. It doesn't take a $200.00/hour shrink to figure this one out. I was young, bright, and vulnerable and so I attracted men that wanted to take care of me in a way.

Now, I have to face a reality, or stand in my truth as Suze Orman would say, I'm not that kid anymore. And yet, I'm stuck with the fact that those qualities in men are still attractive to me. Unfortunately, being the bull headed stubborn independent person I am now I tent to drive away "soft" people. People who are optimists, nice guys, vegans, glass half full types don't walk, they run away from me. And so the reverse portrait of who I attract is painted.

Meet The typical guy attracted to Zack (Ver. 2.0):

Age: 45-49ish (Previously: 36-43ish)

Occupation: doctors, F&B people (Previously: teachers, artists)

This hybrid breed of older slash less likely to commit type of bachelor comes courtesy of odd work hours, the ability to sustain on TV dinners and matinees at the Lyric, at the prevalence of online shopping. These types live very close to work and still drive for reasons unknown even to them. They often have expensive haircuts and cheap shoes (my preference to the contrary) and a stack of Amazon boxes in their apartments. They've all had a ten year relationship in their past and aren't interested in doing it again but will not offer this information up to you. They will, instead, tell you any sweet thing you want to hear that will get you into bed with them.

Key characteristics: frugal, poorly decorated apartments, oily brow line, "taking up" photography (i.e. bought an expensive camera two years ago)

I find this guy despicable, not to mention all too often overlapping with other entries in my encyclopedia of undatable men. Most commonly falls into one of these categories:

We We Guy:

We We Guy likes to make big “we” statements early on in the relationship. He makes a lot of promises early on that are exciting and make him seem committal but really he’s just trying to impress you--which is not a bad impulse-- but don’t get your hopes up with him. He’s all talk and no game and will only infuriate you later on when he’s incapable of keeping even smaller promises and engagements. Beware of any little pig that goes “we, we, we,” all the way home from a first date, because he’s just going to “we-we” on your expectations.

LA LA land guy:

Any man from LA is not to be trusted. Men from the land of bottle blondes and boob jobs are notorious for their low input/ high yield jobs, sense of entitlement, playing the field, and obnoxious obsessions with their cars. Think of this man like an overpowering bottle of wine, he’s not ready to drink right out of the bottle, you need to let him settle for a while. Until a man has been out of LA for one year, his ego is still inflated and he does not fully understand public transit. Give him time and he could be a great bottle of wine, or he could just be a bimbo chasing loser with an Amex. You never know.

Peter Pan Man

This one should be obvious to spot but he is often camouflaged by a fabulous lifestyle and disposable income. Beware of any man in his forties surrounded by twenty-somethings. This is a man on the verge of or in a state of perpetual mid-life crisis. The first problem with Peter Pan Man is that he surrounds himself with people he can easily dominate who all look up to him and need him for some reason. Often he employs a lot of his friends to feel in control. Don’t mistake this guy for being generous or nurturing he’s just insecure. The other problem with a man who is only friends with younger people is that it means he’s incapable of cultivating long-term friendships and presumably relationships.

I’m Too Sexy For This SMS guy

Anybody who sends you a picture of anything that could not be in a Disney movie before the first date or asks for a picture of anything but your beautiful eyes wants to have sex and never call you again. If that’s what you want then feel free to proceed. Also beware of guys that want to pick you up at your place or come up to “use your bathroom.” These tend to be ploys to get into your apartment. A gentleman will never ask to come up, he’ll wait until you invite him, and a gentleman will never send a picture of his erect (or flaccid) penis via text message, e-mail, or fax.