The American Dream On

When I quit my job medical billing and started working in a restaurant everyone told me to have an "exit plan." People told to have something to work toward or risk becoming a career server, a fate worse than death I'm sure. I expected people to not understand why I would leave a cushy low-input job for a not glamorous industry. When I tell people what I do they ask what I really want to do, if I'm a student, if I still live with my parents. Everyone seems to think that if I don't have the career part of my life nailed down every other part must be in shambles. People talk about my job like we live in a caste system and I was just booted out of the upper echelon of gays to the d-list gays that bring you other sizes, bring you a pillow for your flight, and serve you cocktails.

I admit as writer, artist, and knitter there is something unfulfilling about my life. It seems that the greatest rewards come from manual labor, and creativity affords you a blog that nobody reads and a collection of hand-knit sweaters. I've been thinking a lot about achievement. It seems like everywhere I look it's being forced fed into us. Get a better degree so you can get a better job. Buy this car to drive to work, and go to work to pay for this car. When I'm forced to look at my life I feel suddenly empty, all of the things that make me who I am are apparently not marketable skills. I once did a five star sudoku in just ten minutes. I can knit a sock without a pattern. I can wear polka dots. All these little achievements don't seem to amount to much.

Where is the olympic team for surviving a really messy breakup? Where is the degree in accessorizing? Where is the fellowship for being a good friend? Those skills that seem important, the moments that define us, those things that make us individuals don't make us money. In fact, it seems that the things that make us more like everyone else are the things that are most profitable. In the quest for accolades, is our self worth ultimately worthless.

At a crossroad like this I have to decide what I want to do. I know I need to do something but I don't know what it is. I've long known that I'm not good at working for other people because I'm stubborn and convinced that the people managing me don't know anything more than I do. I've thought about starting my own business, and in less than a year that may be a possibility. I may have a way of financing a little business but I don't know exactly what I should look into doing. Do I want a cute menswear store? A knitwear shop? A gallery?

Of course I could also go back to school and move toward another industry. I've always loved psychology and was originally planning to be a neurologist but would have never gotten into a premed program out of high school. I don't know if med school is in the cards for me, but there are other career paths. Art therapy, education, sociology, counseling. Or I could knock out the pre reqs community college  and look into being a clinical social worker. I'm young, I can survive another 4 years of school.

Or I could try to get into another industry and work my way up, do the career thing that everyone else seems to be. Each year, as my peers get older and more established I can't help but feel as though I'm being left behind in some ways. It's not that I'm not as capable or experienced or driven, I just don't know what I want to do. 

When everyone is telling us that there are no jobs, no point to expensive degrees, and no hope for small business, how can I jump ship yet again armed with nothing but a BFA and a smile. And what if, in this quest for achievement, all I achieve is more debt and less sense of direction?