I had to say goodbye to one of the loves of my life recently. We've known each other for many years. I first met this love when I was just eleven years old. We had a rocky on and off relationship for many years but finally I kicked my love to the curb. As hard as it was for me to do, I knew it had to be done. There will always be parts of me that look back fondly on chilly evenings on the balcony with you, drunken walks home, my morning coffee with you. This is my goodbye letter to you.
You weren't good for me, and I always knew this and still kept coming back. Our relationship was unhealthy and would have eventually killed me I'm sure. Your allure and moments of joy were not enough to balance out all of your negative aspects.
I am, of course, talking about cigarettes. My love affair with smoking began when I read the line "I'm just an old man with my Pall Malls and my memories," in a Vonnegut novel. I have quit before but it never quite stuck. I've always used my life as an excuse to smoke. I've used the tragedies, the loss, and the stress to justify my habit.
As part of my moving on these last few weeks I've been trying to cut out everything unhealthy from my life. Cigarettes were the last thing remaining. I woke up one morning feeling awful. I was angry at the people who hurt me. I had a sore throat. I had back pain. I said to myself in that moment that I'm not going to do this anymore. I'm not going to feel bad for no reason. I'm so stubborn and have so much self control in other areas of my life it was strange to me that I couldn't control this.
So, I went cold turkey and I'm blogging it now so I can't slip. I feel like by putting it out there where everyone can read it gives me more reason to not back down and not fail myself. Every single person reading this is another person holding me accountable for my actions. Smoking is one of many bad habits I'm kicking this year. Now to cut down (or maybe just cut up) my credit card.
Well, my credit card is a battle for another day.
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