I realized something the other day. I'm not liked by many people. My personality is sometimes abrasive sometimes overly dramatic and often judgmental. In grade school kids who aren't popular are fed lies that the reason people don't like them is because their different. Sometimes this is true. In my case I just had a bad attitude and made people uncomfortable. People tell you it is what's inside that matters but I was always relatively good looking-- it was what's inside that was the problem.
As a kid I let this get to me. I acted out to get attention. I figured if I couldn't get people to like me the next best thing was get them to pay attention to me. I was angry and moody all of the time. As an adult I started liking the things about me that made me different. Then I learned an important lesson about people-- there's always some that will hate who you are, what you're doing or how you look. Sometimes there aren't any that will love you for those things.
I have always had a hard time at work. I'm a bossy diva who doesn't take direction well and questions everything. I'm used to people not liking me in the workplace. Who I am at work is like an exaggeration of my worst qualities. And I thought after years of being generally unliked has hardened me a bit. It would appear that it's not true.
One little criticism made about me completely changed my perspective and made me feel more alienated than ever. It was almost a harmless irrelevant criticism except it hit at something that is very much at the core of who I am: someone told me I complain too much. I've written previously about my complaining. Hell, most of my writing IS complaining. It shouldn't have even upset me except that it didn't feel of a criticism of my work, it felt like an attack on my personality.
Ever since then I have been very aware of the things people have been saying to me, and probably too sensitive about them. I've started to resent some of my coworkers. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the best server and I have plenty to learn. This is the first restaurant I've worked in and yes in a year and a half I've learned a lot. My sales are good, I'm tipped really well, and I have confidence in my serving style, but there's always room for improvement.
What I tend to struggle with are not guest interactions, but dealing with my coworkers. Since I started I've been the leper that people don't want to drink with outside of work. That doesn't bother me. I don't need to make friends at work, I have plenty of friends. But I'm neurotic enough I don't need people taking weird jabs at me or giving me the silent treatment.
And it doesn't help that I'm worked up in my personal life as well. I went on what was possibly the best date in history only to get more silent treatment from the man for a week. Now I'm not needy, I don't need calls and texts every day to be reassured but in the first three date range I need a man to do three things to let me know he's trying to win me over: at least offer to pay even if I won't let him, send one unexpected message with no purpose except to tell me he is thinking about me, and set up the next date. If in a week a man hasn't done at least two of these three things he is clearly not interested, or not interested enough.
I am not back burner guy. I'm not the guy that waits on the sidelines while you exhaust all other viable dating options. And I am not a patient person. If you make me wait I won't.
I'm also strung out because someone said what I'm sure sounded like a compliment but was actually the catalyst for a major revelation. In reply to some stupid joke I made he said, "Hah, you're a funny guy." Instead of sounding complimentary it sounded to me more like a scientist identifying a species of animal. I had been identified as "the funny guy." Yes, its me, making all those jokes to distract people from the fact that I'm actually frustrated with the world and all the people on it. Nobody wants the big-nosed loudmouth who's always sarcastic and never serious. Nobody wants to date the funny guy. There's nothing funny about being the funny guy. I've learned to laugh and make jokes when life hands me a dire situation because it's the only way I've gotten through all of the trauma in my life. I need my wit and humor to keep me going. And it would seem that, although gay men pretend that they want the fun funny guy, they always seem to go for the stupid simple guy who makes everything easy.
Doesn't anyone like a challenge anymore?
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