Pride

I did not go to pride. Everyone has been asking me as if it were a mecca for gays and going to stand in the sticky heat elbow to elbow with a street full of queens watching bad floats is the pilgrimage all gays must go on. I made up some excuse like I do every year and blamed it on work. I said I'm proud enough. I said I don't like parades. I said a lot of stupid things that people seem to understand all the same, they know I just don't want to go. But why? Why wouldn't I want to go? Is it the prevalent shirtlessness wreaking havoc on my social anxiety and insecurities? Is it the cheap beer sloshing around everywhere? The crowds? The noise? No, and all of those are things that I'd rather avoid, but they are not the reason I didn't go. The reason is actually quite simple.

I am not proud. I don't feel pride, not this year. And it's not just that I'm lacking gay pride. I am not proud of people in general. This has been one of the worst years of my life. I have never been treated worse by people in my life. I have never been this disappointed by people. People have never made me as angry as they did this year. I've grown to resent the gay community in this city. Because as great as it is that we have moved so far in some ways we are still behind in so many others. I have never seen a more racist, prejudiced, stigmatized, or self hating community in my life. The biggest threat against the gay community is not christians, republicans, or lack of arts scholarships, it is the gay community itself.

I often make these gripes through the scope of dating but it goes deeper than that. The gay community in Chicago lacks not only acceptance, but tolerance even for others that are different than themselves. Never have I seen more discrimination than at a gay bar. Dating profiles specify ethnicities that they would like to date. If you can't grow a beard you aren't masculine enough for some men. If you don't watch football you're not straight acting enough for the masculine guys. Nobody is concerned with being themselves, but which category that already exists that they can fit themselves into.

And the lies and disrespect. I can't even begin to explain it. It seems that every month I hear from another person that got HIV from someone who was not honest or just didn't know about their status. Every other man I date instead of saying they are not interested just stops returning calls and messages. People who just want to have sex agree to dates just to have sex. People who just want to go on dates agree to have sex because they worry that nobody will love them if they don't. We are under so much pressure to perform a certain way, to look a certain way, and to go to certain places and events.

We accept words instead of actions. We accept compliments instead of respect. We let other people treat us like shit because we're afraid of being alone. We let our fears and stigma destroy us. And though it has never been easier to be openly gay, there has never been more homophobia than what exists WITHIN the community. And now, on this one day we're supposed to celebrate each other just so that when it's over we can go back to tearing each other down? I don't go to church on Christmas and I don't go to pride every summer either.

I know that these are isolated problems and I should just be proud regardless. I know that I'm not supposed to let the small percentage of terrible people in the community ruin the whole thing. I used to love this city and the gay scene here. Chicago taught me how to be a gay man, how to ignore adversity and not let any person stop me from being who I am. I learned how to stop making excuses. I learned how to treat people right. I learned these things not by example, I learned because some of the people I have met here have disgusted me so much that I vowed to do anything to not become those people.

And I am not innocent. Before I learned these lessons I made all of these mistakes. The road to adulthood is often paved with the jagged stones we meant to avoid. This post isn't to rain on the parade or point a finger. This is just an explanation of why, contrary to what I am supposed to feel, I am not proud this year. And you know what, I'm sick of being ashamed to say it. I'm sick of pretending things are fine they way they are.