The Moves

These are the moves. order your drink at the service bar while you pick your mark and your seat. The perfect seat is flanked with two empty seats on either side, preferably more. It must be exactly adjacent from your target. If you sit next to the target it will minimize the effect of the moves. It’s essential to be in direct eyeshot. Once you have your drink sit across from the target and immediately find a dummy target, someone within eye shot of you and the target.

1. Run hand through hair, glide this motion into a lean on your hand then prop your head up on one or two fingers. If you’re old enough to have lost your hair you’re too old for the moves.

1. Do the straw thing. Stir your drink briefly with your cocktail straw, then bring one end to your mouth casually and chew on it. Don’t be too slutty about it, don’t put the straw all the way into your mouth you idiot, just outline your mouth a little, give it a bite. If it looks like you’re putting on lip gloss you’re over doing it. The moves require a certain finesse to look natural and not feminine.

1. Pull out your wallet and look for something. This should be done toward the end of your drink to heighten the anxiety that you might not have another. Pull cards out, rearrange them, put them back in. Act like you’re looking for something. Stand up to put the wallet back in your pocket the hop back on the chair and resume drinking.

1. Smile at the dummy target. This works best when the dummy target isn’t even looking at you. The point here is so the target can see you in a moment where you don’t think you’re being watched. This also heightens his competitive spirit because now he sees you smiling at another man. At this point he will probably go to war for you; he’s on the hook. Resist the urge to look back at him just yet.

1. When the bartender asks to refill your drink tell him, “Not just yet.” and then do that thing that gays do at a bar when their bored, pull out your smartphone and look at Facebook for approximately five minutes straight, don’t look up once, be impenetrable. He’ll worry that you’re waiting to meet someone, maybe you’re being stood up, maybe you’re telling another guy to come here, maybe you’re buying drugs, maybe your telling your friends about this hot guy thats sitting at the bar. While looking at the phone reach into your glass, grab an ice cube and put it in your mouth, move it around a bit as it melts. At this point he will probably take a bullet for you.

1. Now, take your empty rocks glass and place it on the bar mat, the universal sign for done/need another. Before the bartender returns look up and make eye contact with your target. If he is not looking at you then he’s either not interested or you’ve not mastered the moves. Grab your stuff, go to the bathroom, and return to another seat and work on another target.

1. If your target is looking at you then lock eyes, a mouth “hi” to him across the bar. If he doesn’t nearly fall off his chair from trying to jump out of it you didn’t succeed. When he gets up he’s not going to walk to your side of the bar, he’s going to jog. He’s going to elbow every other patron and probably spill someone’s drink. He will be in the seat next to you in five seconds flat. Men are just trees in a forrest, they all fall the same way.

Now, confirm the target is into you. If he looks at you smile and turn away and immediately focus attention on the dummy target. Direct these actions to the dummy target and not the actual target. Repeat the moves in whatever order you see fit: