Selling points

When I started as a server I had next to no wine knowledge. I ordered and bought under the general assumption that more expensive meant better. I used to judge wines by the typeface on their labels. However, my training as a server was less about understanding the wine and more about how to describe it.

I learned that the most important step in serving is the description. Most people don't know diddly-poo about wine. If you tell them this wine has magical properties that make you more attractive to other people they'd order two bottles. It's like coffee- you never love your first sip but over time you acquire a taste for it. The same is true about wine, if a wine doesn't taste good to the unlearned drinker they'll just assume they haven't acquired the taste for it. The trick to this is

A. Convincing the guest that you know more about wine than them (even if you don't)

B. Using language that makes the wine sound better than it is.

Psychologically, the guest now wants to like the wine because if they don't they will feel less sophisticated than there server for not appreciating the wine.

Obviously there are a myriad of other factors involved in the selection and recommendation of wine but the most important part is the description. The language you use says as much about you as a server than it does about the wine. Over time I learned to say fruit forward, high or low tannins, dry, notes of this or that, light medium or full body smooth or crisp finish. These words, though short and sometimes vague, create a story about the wine. Now, when drinking you're going to slow down and notice how the wine changes on your tongue. You're going to play wino where's Waldo with the ingredients. If I tell you to expect juicy dark fruit and a velvety texture you're going to search for that.

As a writer I know words, I know descriptions, I understand how to play people. Some woman comes in wanting Koolaid wine, she'll try to order a moscato or something. But she wants to seem sophisticated, she's from Berwyn or some other periphery suburb, trying to be a real housewife of Chicago. I know she wants the Pinot Gris which is nothing like a Pinot grigio its way sweeter and approaches a Riesling in terms of fruit. Yes I can judge her for being unwilling to venture outside of her comfort zone and order something that would pair better with her salad. But I can also realize that it's in my best interests to sell her a wine she can quaff down rather than something that she'd slow down and maybe appreciate more. Yes if I say delicious and zesty Sauvignon blanc she'll order it enjoy it, but probably only drink one glass because it doesn't taste like fruit juice.

All of these decisions are carefully calculated and must be thoughtfully applied. There's an art to selling people things they didn't know they wanted.

I often think of these techniques while wasting my time in the wading pool of bachelors known as match.com. Here is a website of mostly disgruntled and slightly desperate singles all trying to convince potential suitors that they're a surprising new napa valley blend with a lovable flavor profile. These profiles are like emotional resumes, and like resumes our good traits ate exaggerated and our flaws are cleverly repackaged as pros or at least merely quirks. Are the men on dating sites simply dead stock wines with some fresh adjectives applied?

After several consecutive bad dates I've started to understand the language of dating sites and what he really means when he says active (narcissistic).

What he says........what it means:


Down to earth........boring

professional........have a job

want to meet the same type........unimaginative

don't go out to the bars........homebody

have a great sense of humor........not actually funny

have a dry sense of humor........don't actually understand dry humor

am sarcastic........aren't sarcastic

don't take things too seriously........will probably cheat on you

i like to travel.........i've been to florida

i'm well traveled........you'll see a lot of my back walking out the door

i work hard........i work too much

i'm a workaholic........I work about as much as a normal person

laid back........incredibly boring

kind........unbelievably boring

nice........painstakingly boring