Well, I have found the equivalent for cat owners everywhere. I am in the shower singing Maybe This Time, for maybe the twentieth time, enjoying my new soap from Lush. The soap smells like grass, and citrus, its calming I'm enjoying my nice long relaxing shower. And then, silently, an evil man steps into the bathroom with a malicious intent. I don't hear him enter and continue singing until something seems off. My senses tell me that I am not alone. I throw open the shower curtain just in time to see Gucci shoot out of the litter box like an orange cannonball, leaving a big old stank mess in his litter.
Cue scream.
It is exactly this behavior that has earned him a new nickname, Monster, or Scary Monster alternatively. And this deposit he so lovingly makes every day, and only when I am in the shower, has earned the name "The Kitty-Bomb." This behavior is unnatural. Cats like to do their business in private. They don't want you around, they don't want any witnesses to the crime so to speak. And it is a crime against my delicate nasal palate. I'm trying to enjoy my thirty dollar soap sans cat stank. And whereas most cats want nothing to do with their owner in the bathroom, mine will only use the bathroom when I am in it now, which is just another symptom of Gucci's weird dysfunctional bladder issues.
I'm brushing my teeth at night, I get kitty bombed. I stumble into the bathroom early in the morning to pee, kitty runs in after me and kicks litter on my feet. And it's not just a scatological obsession, my cat seems to want to do everything together. When I am eating my dinner (take-out sushi) he wants to eat his dinner as well (my take-out sushi). If I step into the kitchen to pour a glass of water he runs in after me and starts gulping water as if he's been dehydrated all day and he was simply waiting for the go-ahead to drink something. No matter what I'm doing kitty insists on being involved. At first it was flattering, all this kitty imitation. But now it's annoying.
If I'm watching bad TV and eating ice cream at night I'd like to do it in peace, and without cat involvement. But no, kitty refuses to believe that I can be seated anywhere without him in my lap. And, taking a break from attachment issues in the kitty department, I deal with detachment issues in the relationship department. I got a text the other night from one of my many unrepentant sinners. An unrepentant sinner is a man who screwed me over at some point in the past, never apologized, and doesn't contact me for months, or in this case years, and finally sends a message out of the blue as if no time has passed.
And like a kitty bomb in the litter box, I get a different kind of bomb dropped in my inbox. This unrepentant sinner messages me asking me to meet him for a drink. Just like that, lets get a drink, like nothing ever happened. I knew just how to deal with this situation.
Step one: Tell him to meet you at a ritzy pricey hotel bar, even better if it's a little out of the way. The Drake or the W are good choices. Make sure you pick a meeting time that is very late at night. This will no doubt be misconstrued as a one drink minimum at club booty call.
Step two: Await a message informing you that he has arrived at the bar. Respond telling him you're a minute away and ask him to order you a Belvedere martini, extra olives.
Step three: Turn off your phone.
Step four: brush your teeth and go to bed, awake feeling rested and better than ever.
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