Time to Read

I blame Facebook. I blame Facebook and all social media that most people are incredibly bad at being friends. Facebook specifically though has just made us all so lazy. I am old fashioned. If I have news I'm calling, I'm telling someone in person I'm sending the carrier pigeons. I'm making sure the people in my life know things. The important people get a call on their birthday. And I would like to have a text message, and e-mail, a whatever, specifically targeted at me saying hey, I moved or I'm getting married, or I've got three months to live. I'm irritated every time I pass someone by on the street I haven't seen ask how they're doing and how they're doing is engaged to someone I didn't even know they were dating because I don't read their Facebook. And they tell me like, oh yeah I got engaged by the way. Like it's a pedicure or something you do all the time.

And then comes the look. The look is a mix of horror, shock, resentment and a sprinkling of pity, blended into one and all in reaction to the news that you didn't read it on Facebook. I would just like to know who the hell are these people who have so much time to sit and read on Facebook. I can't even finish the New York Times most days and I'm supposed to sit down and read about your Farmville lost sheep or whatever. It takes me about three months to finish a book because I can't find the time to just sit my ass down and read, I have an entire shelf on my bookshelf of books that I haven't read yet--20 books long. And lets not even talk about my e-reader, I can barely finish an issue of GQ (mostly for lack of interest in the articles than anything though). And people have the nerve to give me a look when I say that no, I do not read your Facebook.

First of all I had an Android phone that collected my tweets, Facebook updates, e-mails, blogs, and Huffington Post articles in one simple news feed. That newsfeed was busier than the Minneapolis airport bathroom. There were about 300 pages of crap to sift through everyday my updates widget was like trying to read war and peace on my way to work. After that woeful year (and phone) I gave up on trying to stay abreast of "the haps." And God bless you people who can read all that. I don't know how you can keep it all straight. I can't even stomach ninety percent of the stuff that I see on Facebook. It's either too political, or too personal to really be sharing online. I don't want to know about you lifelong struggles with Crohn's disease on Facebook, I don't want to know about your Yeast infection or your divorce. Call the people you really care about and tell them and let the rest find out the good old fashioned way: through gossip.

I feel that town yentas like myself have no job to do since the advent of the social megaphone known as Facebook. 'Did you hear about--' of course you heard about it, the M-F posted it on Facebook and tweeted it from here to kingdom come. And here I am posting stupid pictures of my cat and shamelessly promoting my blog and pictures of appetizers and other nonsense that has no importance. So it comes as a surprise when I hear that one of my best friends is engaged, and miss Sadie Sadie married lady over there hasn't called or told me. I have to find out, horror of horrors, on Facebook amidst all the schlock. It felt a little like a snub at first because I'm thinking okay I'm clearly not getting the news on the first round, I'm not in the A-list. And then it occurred to me, what if she only changed her relationship status on Facebook and that was the only notification anyone got? And what if I skipped Facebook today because I was too busy brushing my cat or something I just wouldn't have known?

I wasn't going to take this lightly. I picked up the phone, called my friend--cool as a cucumber martini mind you-- and sort of casually mentioned that I was coming back home, doing a dinner for my birthday and love for you to join. Didn't say a thing about the engagement, which for me was like trying to not finish a bag of potato chips once you start. I want to know everything. What time, what were you wearing, where were you, what were you thinking, what were you eating what was the weather forecast that day, everything. So, I await the call back and miss it while I was at work. I listened to the voicemail. In the very last sentence before hanging up she says, 'Not a lot's going on with me, oh yeah I'm engaged, talk soon.'

Okay, if I ever get engaged, I'm telling everyone. I'm telling your parents. I'm telling my barber. I'm telling my doorman. I'm telling the chinese takeout place across the street. I'm telling every single person I see. I am sending texts, and voicemails, and snail mail, and e-mail, an tweeting it and instagram, livejournal, myspace, I'm starting a fanclub for my engagement ring, I'm calling page six, I'm telling the guy bagging my groceries, I'm gonna take out an ad in the paper. If you are reading this I am probably going to tell you. I'll tell you til you're blue in the face. Let it be known that you will know--whoever you are--if I get engaged.

I opened up Facebook, went to my friend's page and read every single post for the last month. I figure what's the problem with skipping one article in the Times if I can know what the hell is going on in my friends' lives?