Macerated Beignets

In coffee the cream rises to the top. In restaurants the bullshit usually does. Here's the problem: if you are too good at your job nobody will ever promote you. It's always the person who is second (or third) best at their job that gets promoted. The hospitality industry in general is one that fosters an environment of bullshitters, resume fudgers, car salesman personalities. You would think this might turn out disastrous but in our industry our job is basically to bullshit. I bullshit for a living.

Example: I am trained to use stupid fancy-sounding overly articulate culinary mumbo jumbo words to describe everyday things. Ketchup with bacon in it becomes tomato bacon jam. A fluffy waffle is a waffle soufflé. If our chef scrapes a dog turd off the bottom of his shoe its a fecal compote.

Here's what my life would sound like if I described it the way I do our menu:

Wednesday morning:

An aromatic blend of sultry coffee from India, lightened by a dollop of Matt Lauer and Savannah Guthrie, and sweetened by approximately twenty minutes of leisurely Internet exploration.

This course is followed by a ritualistic removal of fresh homemade cat dumplings, breaded in 100% organic almond litter. A mist of zesty odor neutralizer invigorates and tantalizes the senses.

On the side there is a locally sourced newspaper on a bed of imported literature from Japan, followed by a surf and turf of crisp mint tooth polishing agent and a shot of freshening firewater sure to set your enamel ablaze.

Its not that I lie or misrepresent our food, it's that I describe it into oblivion. I pummel the guest with nonstop one-two descriptors of adjectives and foodie words. Take any of these words:

Carmelized, braised, zesty, fire-roasted, slow-cooked, locally sourced, melted, pickled, crystallized, fermented, iced, glazed, whipped, smoked, scented, macerated.

And combine it with any of these words:

Au jus, truffle, mascarpone, confit, pork belly, short rib, reduction, crudités, bisque, soufflé, glacé, charcuterie, nicoise, tenderloin, purée, compote, beignets.

And you have probably just described a menu item. See, its not that hard! And if you have a penchant for describing things and wearing an apron you may have a future in the restaurant business. But don't worry, if over articulating a doughnut is not your thing theres a multitude of other departments and positions in the hospitality industry to accommodate a diverse community of bullshitters.

Maybe food is your thing but you don't have a personality, sounds like banquets is the place for you. If you have a poor command of English or just like wearing stiff unflattering uniforms then housekeeping is your best bet. And if you like wearing suits and making people uncomfortable then congratulations, you may have a future in upper management.

All joking aside it can sometimes be frustrating to see who makes it through the exhaustive interview process. I say this with no exaggeration: it is harder to get a job in our hotel than it is to get a job at the pentagon. You interview with two different managers who are looking for two completely different things and if by some stroke of luck they both like you there is a personality survey as well as an HR interview designed to weed out anybody with any personality defect whatsoever. Each job has a different score you must achieve on what I like to call the bullshit survey. Because although there may be psychological merit to asking someone if they are addicted to smiling, questions like those really only test your ability to bullshit. Is anyone addicted to smiling? Not without hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of plastic surgery and a prescription for Xanax.

Case in point here is an example of someone who might apply to be a director of food and beverage: a straight talking new Yorker with twenty years hard experience managing new and established concepts, has worked at the four seasons, lettuce entertain you, anything with Ian Schraeger's name on it. Knows everything from fine dining to tapas. A list of glowing recommendations from two hotel gms Oprah and Billy Dec. Very tell-it-like-it-is personality. This person refuses to bullshit and therefore does not pass the personality survey and is rejected from the position. Goes on to open another successful restaurant.

Now here is an example of someone who would actually get hired: Ambiguously trained and employed "restaurant manager" with "ten years experience" doing restaurant stuff at a list of places nobody has ever heard of. Moved here from middle of nowhere Iowa. Very smooth talker, good at getting people to like him. Completely talentless and has a fake it til you make it mentality. Usually some upwardly mobile thirty something wearing an ill fitted suit. Passes our bullshit survey with such high marks that hiring managers are willing to look past questionable blips on resume. You better believe this person copped to being addicted to smiling.

I'm not saying this person is inadequate for the job. They will most likely do a mediocre to so-so job, which in this industry is grounds for promotion.