The economics of dating

In restaurants timing is everything. One minute can ruin a dinner, thirty seconds can ruin a drink, and a single miscalculation can ruin a tip for you. The single most important skill in serving is timing. A well timed meal can leave someone feeling satisfied and eager to come back. They spend the next few days telling everyone about the restaurant, the cool music, the great server. But the slightest glitch can ruin it, the drinks get backed up and the appetizer goes out before cocktails, you get triple sat and can't get the drinks refilled in time and in your scurrying around you forgot to fire the second course then they're starving by the time they get it, eat too fast and don't want dessert. They leave grumpy and talk about the horrible experience they had for the next few days. The drinks and food tasted exactly the same but if you mess with the order or run any item too soon or too late everything falls apart. And in an industry that is dictated by the time clock breakfast til ten drinks til twelve, anything that takes too much time is a boon.

In relationships, as well as restaurants, timing is crucial. There are a lot of "rules" floating around when it comes to dating. How long before you sleep with someone? How long before you show them your apartment? When do you introduce them to your mother? (Answer to all three: as late in the relationship as humanly possible) But really, it all comes down to timing. Or in the case of Zack v. the man who asked me out on a coffee date, it comes down to bad timing. If you are one of the 27 people who read my blog you know that I've recently ripped every man a new a-hole for going on coffee dates. And it came as poetic justice that later in the week I should be asked on yet ANOTHER coffee date after the one that set me off on a cafe au diatribe. And not in an ironic 'I-read-your-blog-by-the-way' kind of way.

I switched it up to drinks in a neutral neighborhood (a.k.a. boystown). He shows up, we seem to get along for the most part. I'm pretty much a shoe-in for Jewish men, they love me because I remind them of their mothers, one part yenta and one part Chinese food. The conversation and drink are flowing and then I made the rookie mistake of letting the conversation steer to politics. As someone who frequently dates men considerably older than myself I've learned which topics are simply taboo on first dates with guys in their forties:

1. Politics--in general politics are a bad topic for any date and any age range. This topic is in poor taste because

a.) most people (myself included) don't pay enough attention to what's going on to make accurate conversation about politics

b.) men view political conversations as pissing contests and will attempt to use ego-bolstering examples in arguments (e.g. "You wouldn't understand, you don't make as much money as I do," or my personal favorite, "You haven't lived long enough to understand that.") 

c.) political opinions are like assholes, everyone's got one

2. Ex boyfriends--actually this topic is never suitable for discussion. The correct answer is, we were happy until we weren't and then it was over. Book closed, question and answer portion of the program over.

3. Money-- most twenty somethings don't have any. No point in drawing any more attention to this fact by talking about it.

4. What I've been reading--self help books and GQ. This lets him know that you're a real down to earth person (i.e. moron). Inevitably he'll be compelled to talk about what he's reading. Faulkner. Did you want to talk about "Absalom, Absalom" on a first date? Didn't think so.

5. "When I was in high school..." The coup de grace of any date with an older man, -- which is to say, "not that long ago." This spirals down from here because what he was doing while you were in high school was being 35. Gets worse when he realizes you weren't alive when he was in high school. Suddenly his life starts flashing before his eyes and you're still on the first round of drinks.

Also, here's the complete list of what you did in high school:

a.) nothing

And of course I tried to make a sexual double entendre by bringing our political discussion to one about dominance by saying, "Well no matter what you do as a politician you're either fucking someone or getting fucked." My attempt at making a funny backfired hideously when he replied, "You're too young to make such a jaded assessment." This led the conversation to a dark place. I'm going to fast forward through about twenty minutes of philosophical babble to give you the basis for both of our arguments:

Me--"No I'm not."

Him--"Yes you are."

This conversation is also commonly known as anything you can do I can do better (because I'm older).

And sure enough the moment of truth presented itself. The bill was dropped between us. He who reaches first is the bigger person. Now if there is any rule I've learned about relationships it's to just let them be right, because it's better to be happy than right. So I ceded to his prowess in the argument of I'm older than you and therefore know more, and subsequently let him reach for the bill. I'm thinking this will go one of three ways:

1. He asks us to go dutch, in which case I assume he is not interested in a second date.

2. He pays for the bill, in which case I assume he is interested in a second date.

3. He puts the bill back down on a table without payment, in which case I pick it up and beat him over the head with it.

But no, his response to the dropping of the bill was so unintelligible and cheap that my head almost exploded over my drink.

Bill for two rounds of drinks: $25.00

What he throws down in cash on the check presenter: $13.00

I'm just going to assume that's all the cash he had crumpled in is pocket and was simply too exhausted from his workout earlier to lift a credit card from his card holder. It's in moments like these that I am torn between the diplomatic response and the response that embarrasses the other person. I, of course being a card carrying ball buster, threw the money back at him and put my own card down. With an eight dollar tip the bill came to $33.00. If you can't so much as drop 33 clams of a couple rounds of drinks you are fired and not eligible for rehire. Thanks for playing. You're a forty-five year old lawyer. You went to some of the top schools in the city. And, somehow, you managed to fail the economics of dating. It's not so much the amount of money as is is the stupidity of throwing some random amount of cash down and letting me deal with the rest.

Apparently this 45 year old minus 33 smackers equals not gonna happen.

And after I paid he basically ran out, hailed a cab and didn't even thank me. The man could not have run away faster. I looked at my watch. If I hurried I could still catch the last bit of Glee.